The Axe Forgets, but the Tree Remembers

Rethinking resilience, microaggressions, and what it means to make room at the table

There is an old proverb:

“The axe forgets, but the tree remembers.”

The person who makes the comment may forget it.

The person who was interrupted may not.

The leader who says, “That’s just how he is,” may move on.

The person on the receiving end carries the mark.

This is one reason microaggressions at work can be so difficult to see. Individually, they may appear small. Over time, they accumulate.

When resilience becomes the wrong answer

Years ago, I experienced repeated difficult interactions with someone at work.

When I raised concerns, the response was essentially:

“Oh, that’s just him.”

So I did what many high-performing professionals do.

I adapted.

I worked harder. I removed boundaries. I tried to become tougher.

Eventually, I learned an important distinction:

Resilience is the ability to recover from difficulty. It should not become permission for someone else to keep creating it.

Years later, I found myself on the other side of this experience as a leader.

A woman who reported to me was struggling with someone at work. This time I heard another version of the axe:

“She needs to be tougher.”

I couldn’t accept that as the answer.

I listened. I acknowledged what she was experiencing. I spoke with the other person’s manager and documented the situation in case it became worse.

Months later, I asked her how things were going.

She told me something I still remember.

Knowing that I knew what was happening and supported her gave her the courage to address the situation herself. She communicated directly with the person and established expectations for how they would work together.

She didn’t need me to rescue her.

She needed to know she wasn’t standing alone.

1 in 2 women experience competence-based microaggressions

Her experience isn’t unusual.

According to the 2024 Women in the Workplace study by McKinsey & Company and LeanIn.Org, 54% of women reported experiencing at least one competence-based microaggression at work.

That’s roughly 1 in 2 women.

And 38% reported having their judgment questioned in an area of expertise.

Sometimes microaggressions are comments.

Sometimes they are interruptions, assumptions about competence, or whose opinion receives credibility.

And sometimes they are communicated without words.

Make room at the table

So what can we actually do?

Start with something remarkably simple:

Make room at the table.

I mean that literally.

At your next meeting, look around.

Who is sitting at the table?

Who is sitting behind the group?

Who is standing at the edge?

Who seems to be waiting for permission to enter the conversation?

Then use your body language.

Open the circle.

Make eye contact.

Move your chair and create space.

Communicate, without needing a speech:

You belong here.